Spindling
Braised Lamb, Magnesium Powder, Maine, Sarah Baldwin, Los Angeles, Enough.
It’s 9:26pm on Wednesday, May 6th and I’m writing from bed. I don’t necessarily feel like writing but I got a gut hit to open this.
It looks like the last time I published a substack was over two months ago. Since then I’ve been to Maine and California (and NY, of course). I feel like a couple seasons have passed - I have experienced snow, allergies and thick summer sweat within the last two months. I’m heading back to LA on Monday for work, followed by a quick stint back in NY, then a trip to London for a wedding, two solo days in Italy, and a brand trip in Sicily. Pretty fucking lucky.
Interestingly enough I’ve felt myself running, no - sprinting, through these past micro seasons. It feels like I’m always overwhelmed and never doing enough. No, I’m always doing too much but it’s never enough. Do you know what I mean? The truth is, it is enough. The not-enough-ness is my ego, an unhealed part of me that has the impression that perfection is attainable - and worthy of my efforts. It’s something I’ve always had, you’d think by now I’d get the picture. I know I’ve written about this before.
I just paused writing to go input into my calendar to finish this substack tomorrow. What’s up with that? It feels like I’m always monitoring myself, always checking, making sure. “Did you meet your unattainable goals today? Alright, well forget your weekend then.” But at the same time I can be incredibly kind and soft with myself. “Take it easy, say no, take the night off, you’re doing so much, what an incredible world you’re building.” It’s cool but sometimes it feels like having both of these versions makes things even more hurried.
Today I went through my calendar from April, just as a little self-care boost. A “hey babe, look at how much you’ve done,” reminder as I noticed myself yet again shifting tasks on the calendar. In the past month I’ve gone home to Maine to take care of my Dad post-surgery, onboarded a new part-time employee, contracted and prepped for an event, showed up for my sister’s career day at her high school (with a presentation in tow), went to weekly therapy, worked out most days, sauna mat-ed and took baths, worked on a new iteration of Spilt Milk’s services deck, fed our neighbor’s chickens, vlogged, did 3 shoots, went to the dentist 3x (don’t ask), went to the dermatologist, got my brows and lashes done, showed up for a friend moving, finished our production manual, made it to park hangs and BBQs, showed up for friends events, made lamb, went to my functional doc, went to DA & AA, went go-kart racing, deep cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, got a mani pedi and lip wax, had 1:1’s with my team, had coffees with new work connects — yeah I fucking did enough. Actually I recommend writing that out if anyone feels the same, damn.
Honestly just writing that all out makes me zonked, but in a good way? I’ve been listening to some Sarah Baldwin, I really recommend this episode.
Anyways, I’m actually going to keep it here because guess what, that’s enough! I love you, hope you’re taking it easy. I do want to share that my life ebbs and flows and sometimes I’m in these work-crazed spindles where everything feels like a whisper and sometimes I’m in lounge town. For example, Sicily, Sicily will be lounge town.
Love you, get some sleep.
Oh and now it’s pouring out, I love it so much.
Z