On Anger

Landing in L.A., Organ Meat Smoothies, Koji Milk, Cranberry Beans and Good Women.

It’s 2:47pm PST on Saturday and I’ve just landed in L.A.. I’m in an Uber riding to a friend’s spot in Silver Lake. I opened the window for a moment and the sun beat down on my wrist. I liked that.

I landed, slightly unpacked, drove to Erewhon (Katy Perry Smoothie, Turkey Wrap, $13 Water, Raw Brownie, Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie) and went to Griffith.

The cars here are dirty. They look well-ridden and dusty. New York is dirty too, but more of a filmy, greasy dirt. I prefer the desert.

Getting very LA very quickly.

Last night was my last night in NYC for a couple of weeks, I had a goodbye/early birthday party where I fielded questions about the permanence of my jump to L.A. The truth is, I don’t know what I’m doing. My plan is to figure out the plan. I think the liminal is tough for people to stomach, myself included. It’s a mouthful, explaining that I’m going to L.A. - to see if I like it or hate it - that I’ll need to be back to NY for work - and then likely back to L.A., again for work. People want finality - I get it, I just don’t have any finality to give lately.

Plums at the Hollywood Farmer’s Market this morning.

I feel like I’m on the biggest learning curve of my life thus far - professionally, socially, geographically. Perhaps it always feels like we’re on our biggest learning curve. At time’s I feel like I’m sprinting, when I know I should be pacing. There’s no time for anything or anyone that doesn’t align. That sounds unkind, a bit selfish - maybe narcissistic - it’s more so I’ve decided I’m done explaining, convincing people, why and how they’ve hurt me - and instead focusing on those who haven’t. I feel myself morphing, rising to the occasion, feeling overwhelmed and slowly accepting it as my new normal. I can and I will. At times I feel incredibly grateful, excited, relieved. This life I’ve been working for, chanting for, dancing for - is finally unfolding in front of me.

Birthday wrapping writing from Maya.

Have you ever been so angry your stomach hurts? Now, have you ever let a grown woman (your age) take care of you? Both of these things have been existing for me lately.

Forget what these were called but I got them + cranberry beans. Then I got a bison burrito for lunch.

A couple months ago, on a Bachelorette in Vegas, I fell asleep in bed with my childhood best friend - my mom had called me in the middle of the night telling me my grandma died - my friend held my hand until I fell asleep.  My other friends brought me tomatoes and cheese and read my tarot in the park. Another friend made my birthday party invitation when I wasn’t feeling party enough myself. Another friend who I’ve probably only spent a total of 72 IRL hours with voice notes with me back and forth daily, she has single handedly given me the strength to let go and continue letting go.

Tomato from Monica.

I’m surrounded by women. I always have been and always will be. It’s just up to me to see the strength in that. See what’s available. I think it’s easy to become so consumed with being held by one person, often a man, that we forget how many women have their arms wide open whenever we need.

Ghost, part-time resident of Shipwreck Seafood in Bed Stuy.

I’m not obsessed with what I wrote today, perhaps because I’ve learnt that anger = ugliness. Regardless I'm sending so I can move forward.

Anyways, I’m off to Erewhon.

x

Z